the role of the critic
“Any fool can criticize, complain, and condemn—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.”
― Dale Carnegie
As much as I like to pretend otherwise, occasionally I get a little prideful. Usually this pride rears its head in the form of criticism. Because of course I know best and Clearly the best way to do think about something is the way I think about it.
I like to think that I am immune to such things. But recently, my sister called me out on it. I was criticizing someone, and she reminded me of something that a wise man once said. “Imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. That must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it. So should we.” It hit me that I had let pride sneak in, and I needed to change.
Criticism is such a tricky thing. Because there are times when we need reproof. There are times when we need to insist that people do better. There are times when I need to insist that YOU do better. Whether its a child, a leader, a co-worker, a sister or a spouse, there are times when people need to be called out. We need to correct misbehavior. We need to set boundaries, share varying perspectives, and engage in “critical thinking.” We need to be able to discern truth and error and not just accept all viewpoints as equally valid. I want you to know how to advocate for yourself in a relationship, challenge inequality or injustice, and recognize when changes need to made. So what is the role of the critic, anyway?
I want you to learn to difference between critical thinking and just being critical. We should be looking for the good in others. We should be reaching out in kindness. We should be generous with others and assume the best. We should be quick to forgive mistakes and be gentle with others. This takes a tremendous amount of humility. And humility is hard.
I came across a few different General Conference talks that have taught me about humility this week.* But one in particular is a talk that was given when Dad and I were engaged and we went to conference. “The Virtue of Kindness” by Elder Wirthlin has been a favorite ever since, but I hadn’t read it in a while. He said: “I often wonder why some feel they must be critical of others. It gets in their blood, I suppose, and it becomes so natural they often don’t even think about it….If you are criticizing others, you are weakening the Church. [or your family, your friend-group, your workplace.] If you are building others, you are building the kingdom of God. As Heavenly Father is kind, we also should be kind to others.”
It can be difficult to get out of the habit of criticism. It is so easy to criticize how someone drives, teaches a lesson, interacts with the teenagers, delivers a talk in church, loads the dishwasher, or anything else. It is much more difficult to see the good, to overlook or forgive mistakes, to build others up. But as I have thought this week about the role of the critic I have decided that it should be a hesitant role. That the instinct to criticize should be controlled until times when feedback can be given briefly and respectfully. We should be honest, but honesty isn’t the same as cruelty. We should be advocating for ourselves, but that doesn’t mean we put others down in the process. We should speak up, but we should be equally as quick to listen.
Even as I am writing this out in a letter, I recognize that I am not a perfect model of this behavior and probably you have learned to behave more like I actually behave than how I say you should. Hopefully, its something we can work on together. Hopefully we can learn that kindness, generosity and humility are much happier and Christlike guideposts than criticism, judgement and being right.
I hope we can commit to that. I think it is a happier way to live.
*